Last year, my ex-girlfriend responded to an ad on Craigslist that was posted by the webmaster of a gay website who was searching for folks to critique gay porn sites and she started writing reviews for the guy for twenty-five bucks a pop. My ex proudly informed me of her new career in smut and I thought to myself, “Hey! I want twenty-five bucks to watch guys fuck!” So I sent in some samples and scored a gig writing for the website. Eventually, my ex moved up the ladder at the website in question and was put in charge of editing the reviews. Months later, she left me for a guy in Australia that she’d met off the Internet and I moved on to Adult Reviews. Two months ago, my ex contacted me and we attempted to mend fences; the mending of fences was put on hold when I learned she gave a writing assignment to her new beau. Quite frankly, her guy’s writing is shitty and I was offended that he was getting work that he did not deserve, especially when I’m actually trying to make a living as a freelance writer and could’ve used that gig to help pay off my mortgage. I told her that I thought her boy’s review was shit and she replied condescendingly, “It’s just a porn review!”
This patronizing attitude is the chief reason why most smut reviews are completely unreadable. The writers and editors of most porn review sites look down on their work and they look down on their readers. I mean, how many reviews have you read where the reviewer actually said something to the effect of, “Click on the thumbnails to see larger images”? Too many, I’d wager. Yes, I know these reviews aren’t Shakespeare, but that’s no valid excuse for churning out garbage that reads like grade school book reports. As someone who has been burned by countless lousy smut sites, I feel that porn reviewers perform an important service for consumers and I think it’s our responsibility to pen amusing, insightful and honest reviews of the sites we are paid to look at. Sadly, though, I am in the minority here. Most writers care very little about their work and it shows—go read any smut review at random and I guarantee you’ll find it littered with typos and undeserving praise for a site that is clearly a rip-off. Not only do these hacks lack talent, but they lack spines as well—they write glowing reviews of crummy sites because they are afraid to step on anyone’s toes.
Think of this rant as a call to arms—if you find a review site that consistently posts honest and entertaining reviews (you know, like this one!), then make it a point to click on all the links you see and help the site make some dough, which they can use to lure decent writers into this industry. If you find a review site that consistently posts boring critiques that are dishonest and pandering, avoid ‘em like the plague and maybe they’ll go belly-up. You can also write your congressman, but I sincerely doubt it will do any good.
See you in hell,
Joseph
Your guide to better porn!
