I have been writing porn reviews for almost one full year now and I have finally come to understand the necessity (yes, necessity) of pornography in modern society. Let me explain. I recently dated a comely lass who vaguely resembled a Suicide Girl. During our courtship, we had sex a number of times and each time we fucked in the dreadful missionary position. Yawn. Last week, after giving her what must have been an awesome orgasm, the kind of explosive orgasm that makes the earth quake and kills cervical cancer, my lady asked me if there was anything she could do to get me off. I replied, “Well, you could get on top and turn around — I know most girls don’t like that position, but it’s usually the only way I can cum during the act of lovemaking.” Her response to my humble request? No! Actually, she said, “No…but maybe in a month.” In a month?! I didn’t want to cum in a month, I wanted to cum right then and there!
I mentioned this episode to my friend Diamond J. and his response was priceless: “That is unacceptable!” You know what? Diamond J. was right: That was unacceptable! It’s not like I asked her to toss my salad or let me punch her in the back of the head while I was fucking her in the ass! I just asked her to fuck me in the reverse cowgirl position (a.k.a. Queen’s position)! And I told her it was the only way I’d be able to get off, thus her denial of my request was her passive-aggressive way of informing me that she didn’t give a flying fuck if I got off or not. Now it’s bad enough that my lady was selfish in bed, but, adding insult to injury, she refused to give head! Can you believe it? There are women living in this century that don’t enjoy giving head! And this is precisely why pornography needs to exist — cos there are dumb bastards like me who are willing to hook up with lousy lays and need to live vicariously through muscle-bound jerk-offs who get to fuck beautiful troubled women who will do anything and everything in the sack. And the best thing about pornography? You won’t get gonorrhea from it (I can’t say the same for my blowjobphobic Suicide Girl…).
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