BILLY: I’ve got the blues. My online girlfriend from Canada virtually left me for a Scotsman she met on a message board dedicated to Star Trek: Deep Space Nine discussion. Oh, I’m so lonesome I could cry…
[THE DEVIL appears in a puff of black smoke.]
BILLY: Alright, who ripped one?
THE DEVIL: Whasssssssuuuuuup!!!
BILLY: Satan!
THE DEVIL: That’s my name, don’t wear it out!
BILLY: The Lord of Lies!
THE DEVIL: Yup.
BILLY: Beelzebub!
THE DEVIL: That’s me.
BILLY: The one who is referred to as “the dragon” and “the old serpent” in the Book of Revelation!
THE DEVIL: You’ve certainly got my number!
BILLY: Old Scratch!
THE DEVIL: Alright, that’s enough. Billy, I think I have the solution to all of your problems—have you ever looked at a website called Don’s Naughty Models?
BILLY [gasping]: But that’s a porno site!
THE DEVIL: Your point being?
BILLY: Don’t some people say—
THE DEVIL: Some people say a lot of things…
BILLY: But don’t some people say that pornography is degrading to women?
THE DEVIL: It is if it’s done properly!
[THE DEVIL winks at BILLY.]
BILLY: But is Don’s Naughty Models done properly, Satan?
THE DEVIL: It sure is! Here, I’ll show you.
[THE DEVIL and BILLY shrink down to microscopic size and fly into the monitor of BILLY’s computer.]
BILLY: Bitching! I can taste the colors!!!
THE DEVIL: What do they taste like, young Billy?
BILLY: Like burnt toast! I think I’m having a stroke!
THE DEVIL: That ain’t a stroke, Billy, that’s love! Love for Don’s Naughty Models.
BILLY: Love hurts, Satan!
THE DEVIL: It sure does, Billy, it sure does...
BILLY: So who is this Don fella anyway, Satan?
THE DEVIL: Who gives a shit? I’m more concerned with his “naughty” models…
BILLY: How many of ‘em are there?
THE DEVIL: Well, Billy, there are eighteen naughty models on Don’s Naughty Models at the present time.
BILLY: They’re all so…naughty!
THE DEVIL: Indeed they are, young Billy.
BILLY: But how often is new content added to Don’s Naughty Models?
THE DEVIL: New girls are added biweekly, Billy. New photos are released on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays while new videos are released on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
BILLY: It looks to me like every model has a bio, a handful of photosets and a video or two to her name…
THE DEVIL: Very observant, Bilbo! What else do you notice?
BILLY: Well, most of the content on this site is made up of solo stripping and masturbation, though there are a couple hardcore sets and even some girl-girl material as well.
THE DEVIL: Tell me about the photos, Billy.
BILLY: Well, it seems like the photosets are actually just one photo shoot that has been cut up into multiple sets…
THE DEVIL: Good, Billy, good. What else do you notice?
BILLY: The photos look to be average-resolution.
THE DEVIL: Indeed they are. But what about the videos, Billy?
BILLY: Most of the videos are available for download in two speeds in QuickTime, but the newer ones are also available for download in two speeds in Windows Media.
THE DEVIL: How do they look, Billy?
BILLY: They look pretty good.
THE DEVIL: Yes, they do.
BILLY: Allow me to play devil’s advocate for a moment here.
THE DEVIL: Knock yourself out.
BILLY: Let’s say I like a particular model…
THE DEVIL: Uh-huh.
BILLY: Let’s say I like her so much that I want to sniff her panties. How can I do this?!
THE DEVIL: Simple, Billy! Just buy her panties from Don! You see, Don gives his members the option of buying his models’ worn bras and panties as well as the toys that the girls used during their photo shoots and masturbation scenes.
BILLY: That sounds delightful!
THE DEVIL: Like a breath of fresh air, Bilbo.
BILLY: But, Satan, what if I get tired of jackin’ off to Don’s Naughty Models?!
THE DEVIL: Perish the thought! Don’t worry, Billy, Don’s got you covered with a whopping sixty-four bonus sites!
BILLY: Wowie zowie, Satan! How can I ever thank you for giving me this marvelous gift of masturbation fodder?
THE DEVIL: Don’t thank me, Billy, thank Don! He’s the real hero here!
BILLY: Thanks, Don! Well, I guess I ought to be going, Satan—I’ve got a lot of jerkin’ off to do!
THE DEVIL [humbly makes phone gesture with left cloven hoof]: Call me?
BILLY: No.
[Months later, THE DEVIL calls BILLY on the telephone. It’s immediately clear that the two have not spoken at length in ages; their relationship is strained at best.]
THE DEVIL: Hey, guy. Are you gonna be in your neighborhood today? [Translation: I want to spend time with you.]
BILLY: I’ll be in the area. [Translation: I’ll be around, so make your move.]
THE DEVIL: Well, I want to eat at Melt-Banana. [Translation: I want to eat at Melt-Banana.]
BILLY: You want to eat there? [Translation: I invited you to eat there with me last week and you turned me down—now you want to eat there and I should drop everything to spend time with you?]
THE DEVIL: Yeah, well, I know how much you like that place... [Translation: I would really like to see you.]
BILLY: Mmm... [Translation: I am trying to think of a polite way to tell you to go fuck yourself.] I’ll take rain-check. [Translation: I could not think of a nicer way of telling you to go fuck yourself.]
THE DEVIL: I bet you will. [Translation: Fuck you.]
BILLY: Or not. [Translation: Right back at ya.]
THE DEVIL: Well, I gotta go get something to eat, then. [Translation: You’re an asshole.]
BILLY: You do that. [Translation: And why don’t you go fuck your mother while you’re at it?]
[BILLY hangs up the phone and thinks about how awesome Don’s Naughty Models is. BILLY loved the exclusive content, especially that which featured models who have not modeled for any other sites. BILLY also thought Don’s Naughty Models was easy to navigate even if it wasn’t much to look at. Oh, and BILLY loved all the bonus sites! In short, BILLY thought Don’s Naughty Models was ACES!]
Editor's note: The site doesn't seem to be updated with new content anymore. Much of the content found, had a copyright stamp with 2003 on them, and the site's news referred to 2006 as the current year.
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